You can bookmark chapters in your life by the denim you were wearing at that particular time. It’s a fact, a sometimes embarrassing fact, and I’ll prove it to you.
As a child, I was dressed in jeans, as were most kids. Unlike most kids, my jeans were often tartan or brightly coloured. Obviously, my parents were to blame here. They can’t, however, take the blame for my choice of jeans when I was 15. Living in a small village and going through a brief goth phase, I felt it appropriate to purchase a pair of light purple-dyed skinny jeans. I wore them with black winklepickers and didn’t see a problem with that. If time travel were possible, I would return and have a long, honest chat with myself.
By my late teens, a combination of James Dean and Morrissey had shown me the value of the Levi 501, worn with Doc Martens, a cardigan and the best quiff I could muster. It was the first time that I felt that the jeans were quality. I mean, you put them on and you felt cool as all hell.
In my early 20s and in a band, I went full circle and wore tartan jeans again. If I’m being honest, they were a little too tight. No scissor kicks in those.
With decades of questionable fashion choices now behind me, I like to think experience now prevents me from repeating such faux pas. Now, what do bloggers do other than share their life experiences? Here, then, are my top tips to address denim dilemmas and to help you find the perfect pair of jeans aka ‘The One’!
I once read a golden tip that I’ll repeat for you: dress for the body you have, not the body you want. Jeans do not look good if they’re clearly a size or two too small. Unless you’re aiming for that ‘gut hanging over the belt’ look, then be frank and honest about the size of waist you have.
Check out the Jacamo website for guides on sizes and measuring.
Room for Lunging
Tight jeans can, for some, look great. Testicular tortion, however, is bloody painful and can be extremely serious. If you’re trying on a pair of jeans, do a few practice lunges, just to make sure there’s room for your junk to move. You don’t want any nasty surprises if you have to make an athletic manouvre.
A good belt is the icing on the cake. The jeans cake. Make sure the belt matches the size of the loops on your jeans. A skinny belt on a wide belt look just doesn’t go. Colours need to go too. Make a statement with a bold belt buckle too.
There’s always braces if you’re so inclined. They can look fantastic.
Just stay away from elasticated waists (unless you’re in your mid to late 80s.)
Trust Your Instincts
That little voice inside your head is talking to you for a reason. Listen to it! If you’ve got immediate reservations about your choice of jeans, then it may well be there’s a problem. Equally, if the jeans feel amazing when you put them on and you look like a million quid, trust that feeling.
That’s it, really. A good pair of jeans never need to be ironed. Flat, freshly ironed jeans are the hallmark of a geography teacher and (no disrespect to geography teachers), you don’t want to go there.
These are words to live by. Learn by my mistakes, because it isn’t fun running away from bullies in tight purple jeans and long toed winklepickers tripping you up.